Funny Status Messages

   When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them