Funny Status Messages

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!