Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her... 
Monsters Inc 2 is coming out in 2013 move out of the way kids, I've been waiting 10 f-king years for this.
Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.
I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.
Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.
I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.
Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....
I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)
16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?
It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.
Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.
I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.
If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.
Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?
Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.
Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.
I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in.
My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.
Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now 