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If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on. 
Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.
Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me. I'm still hungry. :(
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.
Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...
Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.
I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.
Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.
I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.
I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.
Mystery: why black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars.
Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.
...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.
You think of it as an extra hour of sleep..... I think of it as 6 less taps on the snooze button.
Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.
The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
you want sympathy? look it up in the dictionary, its right between sh*t and syphilis. 