Funny Status Messages

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   thinks God will still love me if I don't annoy 15 of my friends with some stupid chain email.

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   We should just give Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....

   How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

   If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

   noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?

   I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.