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When a man dies, God asks his angels; "Was he married? If the answer is "Yes" God says, 'Take him straight to heaven he's already been through enough hell" 
When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex
My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !
Do you know why most men die before their wives? Because they want to.
FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Watching the Golden Globes tonight. I root for whichever actress is showing the most cleavage.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
WHERE IS FUNNY
Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.
A new poll found 44 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track, and the rest think JFK is still president.
I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex
Religion and Politics are much the same in that we block out everything except the parts we feel personally benefit us.
laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.
OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!
When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.
Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator? 