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in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots 
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If I can smell my water, I don't want it.
Boys have to put forth real effort to get laid, while all girls have to do is stand bra-less in the wind."
has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line
Yes, I've made mistakes, but life didn't come with instructions on.
You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.
the ancient myans predicted the end of the world in 2012...But mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!
My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...
Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas
Since when did everything I was taught growing up that was wrong to do suddenly became Ok. . .
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.
nobody raised hell when I was a victim of domestic violenece....Tiger Woods
It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.
My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.
If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.
I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!
The Weed Bowl is On! 