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My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order. 
Oh you got your middle finger up in your profile pic? You mother must be really proud of a job well done raising you.
I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.
One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
time for all the bloodsuckers to come out again...not Halloween...election time
Why do people thinks that pressin the elevator button manny times It will come down faster!
Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.
Millions of theorems derived, thousands of formulas created but the fact remains the same. "X" is still unknown! Dammit!
Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me!!
there are two rules to getting rich. 1) Don't tell all you know
Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.
It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."
Yes, I saw you dance. No, I don't have a dollar
Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination
Went camping this weekend adn learned taht the longest journey begins with not looking at a map.
NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Guys Don't Worry about Today, Your Women Can Be Satisfied with Only 8.5 cm ... and It Doesn't Matter If It is VISA or MASTERCARD !!! 