snotty Funny Status Messages

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.