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doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 
I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"
Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.
take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.
Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is
Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.
Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.
If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.
Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.
Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.
I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year
It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people. 