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It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner. 
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?
Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"
Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!
not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising
I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
The rules were already broken when I got here.
I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.
Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.
I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!
If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.
How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
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