Funny Status Messages

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby