Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy." 
Kind of surprised the half time show wasn't performed by the Kottonmouth Kings.
the "we don't have to do anything on valentine's day" woman is one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.
I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.
What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old
If bigger is better...explain lesbians.
Adam Siliver = H.N.I.C.
.... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you
The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.
For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I now identify as a person who wants his own private bathroom while in public.
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.
The first rule of the Condescending Club is.... Oh, nevermind. You'd never understand even if I explained it to you..
Shock collars, but for co-workers 