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glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale. 
Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.
It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!
Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?
A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
"Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever
Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?
If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...
You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!
Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.
it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?
hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!
I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything
You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!
The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something. 