Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Where there is alcohol, there is a way. 
I've seen more of Kate Middleton's privates than my own wife's the past 2 years...
I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.
The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.
don't look back, you're not going in that direction.
I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."
I think a lot better when my mind is blank!
Presidential debate #2 tomorrow.... Have you started drinking yet?
I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.
There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"
Ego ; your total erroneous ideas about yourself.
If you woke up this morning hungover and missing a thumb, America thanks you.
if you wake up to more animals than humans, I think I know why you're single...
Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.
I hope they have strippers at my funeral.
I'm glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.
You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.
I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humor and not be offended.
The reality is men have no idea what women want 