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Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew? 
If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.
If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.
Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!
People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.
I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.
The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.
You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.
Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”
If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.
I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.
RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.
just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.
a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.
I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.
When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"
Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?." 