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I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!. 
I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.
When you send me a message that starts off "I remember how much fun we had!" in your friend request...Please take the profile picture of your grandmother with the new baby down. That scares the hell out of me!
's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.
decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"
Anyone that asks me to go shopping on Black Friday will be slapped.
Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, there is Sit on My Ass and Watch Football Sunday!
Happy National Unfriend Day:)
Another way for a guy to confess his virginity to a woman is to tell her he follows Justin Bieber on Twitter.
Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off.
You gotta hand it to midgets...because they sure as siht can't reach it...
Pretending to be a pleasant person all day is EXHAUSTING!!!
If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.
The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!
If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.
If two blind people are dating, would they say they are "seeing each other" ?
I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200
If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex. 