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Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip 
I wonder if its cold? It would be great if someone would post a temperature related update so I would know.
it just me or is anyone else forced to feed their evil dust bunnies that live under there bed??
I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car
Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix and Bill Nye all have the same birthday. And that day is today. November 27th should be renamed Awesome Day
No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive...
One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.
i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!
seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!
It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.
I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think, therefore we have nothing in common
wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!
Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.
Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.
I need a hug. From your thighs.
All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.
Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.
I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics. 