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How much for those babysitters? Um sir, those are iPads 
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's
At some point you just have to ask yourself if you would hire someone under investigation by the FBI?
Natalie Portman has named her newborn son Alef. Like the kid wasn't going to get beaten up enough for mom helping to ruin Star Wars.
Only if you held me like you held your pride, we would still be together to this day.
Has come to the conclusion that strippers are just panhandlers with a really good gimmick
Shark Week Thought: Guy who takes his wife/girlfriend to the ocean/beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.
Pretty words aren't always true & true words aren't always pretty.
People always say to me "Oh your a Male Nurse". My professions the ONLY one with a need to identify gender. Ya never hear "A Male Mailman handles my Mail". How would a Cop react if after pulling you over said smiling "Ooooh a MALE policeman!"
Philadelphia is out of batteries. Not sure if its cause of the hurricane or cause football season is about to start
Don't sweat it when an Anonomous Cyber Bully says something insulting or points out your blunders online. Fact is that most of us could eat a can of Alphabet Soup and sh!t better responses than their posts which is what they hide from in the 1st place.
Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?
I swear when LeBron James was born and the doctor spanked him he got the foul called
I'm like a cold-cut of amazing sandwiched between two pieces of awesome! Charlie Sheen 2011
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
prostitutes have the best job! They SELL their body.... and then they get to keep it!
Some people were dropped as children..But YOU my friend were clearly thrown at a wall!
Advice for the Day: Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast 