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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I'm guessing we still have a chance. 
I encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..
I do this move in bed called the "Karma Chameleon", where I come and go.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present
I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."
red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight
If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.
Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.
Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems
You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.
Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.
Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.
There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek 