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I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. 
My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."
if the broom fits...RIDE IT!
Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean I really do. I might be drunk. Or just really, really horny.
I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)
If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.
The Queen just got out of the hospital from a gastroenterits.. I call it : "The Royal Flush"!
WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.
When I was 12 my mom caught me dry humpin' my stuffed animal Tweety Bird.. we haven't made eye contact since.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.
My walk of shame is actually an escape plan.
If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.
Guns and Explosions in Disney Parks? I think they are opening a Pakistan Pavillion at Epcot!
Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.
happy fathers day to all the ones who came home with the gallon of milk 