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Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé. 
I bet more people call the gambling addicts helpline if they made every 10th caller a winner! ♠♥♣♦😃😳
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I'm not an ad man but Tampax's slogan should be "we're not #1, but we are right up there."
My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Dear Straight People: Take Justin Bieber back. We don't want him either. -G@y People
We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.
My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...
I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.
I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.
It should be called a "vaninja", since I never see one.
If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.
The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.
Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her. 