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According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog. 
To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.
you know you're getting too fat whe you outgrow your towel
If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?
If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.
If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notificationwe will get will be: “You have to install driver to addfriends”.
Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.
Just got a message from Jaheem Kofi, the kid I'm feeding for $.50 a day in Ivory Coast... he wants his NY Ranger 2014 Stanley Cup Champions T-shirt in small.
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey
Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs
Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...
At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.
thinks laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.
hoping for the falling satellite to hit the entire cast of Jersey Shore.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
The Asian B0ner -> Often Mistaken For a Third N!pple.
The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies. 