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I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours. 
If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.
Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.
My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)
RIP Harold Ramis - If there is ever a Ghostbunsters 3, I guess Egon will be the ghost they hunt...
My spirit animal would run into a screen door.
I bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.
Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-
Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.
If Bill Cosby were black he'd be in jail by now.
How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.
Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?
The over spray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If you're looking for an ambitious girlfriend, I'd like you to know that I love being on top.
not afraid of heights - but afraid of widths.
Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...
asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.
Type 2204355 and hit I'm feeling lucky in google... worth it
I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid? 