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BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;) 
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
hey YOU...I'm Sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.
Alls I'm sayin is
the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago
- and they still don't have any Mexicans.
It was probably an Islamic alligator.
If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?
watched one minute of pro wrestling and realized I'm not such an idiot after all...
Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful MILFs out there!
I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.
So who's buying their kids Elmo toys this Christmas?....Anyone...?
To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a tuesday!!!
I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.
What's the situation with Kony in 2013? Do we still hate the guy?
Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...
Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial
what's the difference between your wife and your job? after a couple of years your job still sucks.
Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding. 