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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 
got pulled over and was told by the officer to walk the white line; I told "not without a net"
If you're OCD and you know it wash your hands....
just sharpening a pencil to make a point.
I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.
Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.
Don't judge me. If you're reading this, then you aren't working either.
if at first you don't succeed, call it version 1
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
"Today was a good day. I didn't have to slap anybody."
Orwell called them Thought Police. Zuckerberg calls them Fact Checkers.
it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.
Why are people so upset about Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office. This just happens to be the first time this event has been captured on film
My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!
69% of people on FB are childish and immature
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that
Thank you for the birthday wished. I'd comment on each of them, but I'm lazy. Plus this way those that have yet to wish me a happy birthday will see this post and be reminded to do so. Ultimately resulting in more birthday wishes on my FB wall. :0)
..nothing up here, try further down the page.
Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.
I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you. 