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To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is. 
This place smells of sexual frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, disappointment Skittles & vodka. God it's good to be at home.
Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."
My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.
My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed…
You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.
Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.
Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ
Not sure why I'm not famous yet...America loves a good train wreck.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow's milk.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.
I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.
If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?
Just spent 5 minutes looking for the like button in an email....
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steven Wright
I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks. 