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happy green vomit day! 
If you find out your guest has no toilet paper from the other side of the door, you have FAILED as a host.
You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.
Diaper change epiphany: Corn can't possibly have any nutritional value.
☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back
Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.
For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.
It's time for Dora to discover Google Maps.
Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.
There are three very important things you can always give but still keep at the same time...Your word, a smile and your heart
I want a phone that does everything but ring.
Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.
Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.
I love when people post "whats going on tonight!" or "text me with plans" if your friends need reminded to text you with plans you have no friends.
Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML
- If you got any b-tchier, you could have puppies. Woof!
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.
If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice
After a while, you begin to suspect there’s no right person for you, just different flavors of wrong. 