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the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!! 
Buying a used mattress is like buying used underwear...You just dont do it!!
next time a doctor tells you to cut your alcohol intake, tell them that wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, and beer is made from grain, cutting back on alcohol will reduce my 5-a-day!
I've made a decision. When I die, I am going to have my butt mounted above the fireplace so I can keep an eye on all of you.
Play any of the Terminator or Conan video games nowadays and amazingly the 'cheat codes' will be already be turned on.
If you invite me to your BBQ and you don't have Southern Comfort then I ain't coming.
happy green vomit day!
If you find out your guest has no toilet paper from the other side of the door, you have FAILED as a host.
You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.
Diaper change epiphany: Corn can't possibly have any nutritional value.
☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back
Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.
For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.
It's time for Dora to discover Google Maps.
Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.
There are three very important things you can always give but still keep at the same time...Your word, a smile and your heart
I want a phone that does everything but ring.
Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.
Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.
I love when people post "whats going on tonight!" or "text me with plans" if your friends need reminded to text you with plans you have no friends. 