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The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal... 
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.
My girlfriend told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it on Friday.
Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.
Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.
it is LITERALLY impossible to tell if a Skrillex track is skipping
Facebook is a procrastinators best friend
9 out of 10 Canadians believe that out of 10 people, 1 Canadian will always disagree with the other 9
It's only 9AM and today is already filled with suck.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken
-- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...
Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."
I wish, with a passion, that I could find the strength to give you one more chance.
If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
saying AT&T promised bars in more places, but everywhere I go I see the same bars and the same drunks
I'm in shape...Round is a shape...isn't it ?
drinks only two kinds of beer.... " the beer I have and the beer you give me "
Thanks for letting us know how "bored" and "lonely" you are....Next time let us know if we even care. 