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Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore. 
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.
I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"
I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.
For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.
Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!
Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...
If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.
I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album
How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?
Always dress like you're going to see your worst enemy.
No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.
I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.
My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.
If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.
I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.
I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage. 