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Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real? 
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.
Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.
whenever I get tired of being single I take a dump on myself, to remember what its like to be in a relationship
Man I think it is BS that certain nations have our back in war-time situations but won't help with our search for Bigfoot
To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.
I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."
Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.
Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.
If they shut down facebook, people would be roaming the streets in tears , shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!".
Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.
thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!
Instead of saying that someone is retarded or stupid, I am going to try and take the more sensitive path, and ask them if they were made in China.
thinking women should come with a carfax
If a man is talking, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!
1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome! 