Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Condoms DO NOT guarentee safe sex anymore... A FB friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's Husband... 
Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..
OK..... Not making a Latin American joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals
Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
"Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!
I tried to make it rain but now there is coffee everywhere and one of my coworkers is on the way to the hospital.
Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!
Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.
whenever I get tired of being single I take a dump on myself, to remember what its like to be in a relationship
Man I think it is BS that certain nations have our back in war-time situations but won't help with our search for Bigfoot
To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.
I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."
If they shut down facebook, people would be roaming the streets in tears , shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!".
Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.
Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.
Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.
thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single! 