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"There's plenty of fish in the sea", "Well that's cool, but I'm human." 
If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.
Guy asked girl "Does the carpet match the drapes?" she says, "Nope, hardwood floors"
The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.
The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.
It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t
''A married man is 4 times more likely to die during sex if his partner isn't his wife.'' Especially if his wife owns a gun.
I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better
Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.
I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?
For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
You know your spelling and grammar has to be REALLY bad if Microsoft Word doesnt even have a clue as to what you are trying to say.
Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an as$hole.
I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone
Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty
I'm a second-hand-vegetarian. Cows eats grass. I eat cows.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing and they'll lock you up.
I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn't.
Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.
I was calm, until you told me to calm down. 