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My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds. 
The only thing you accomplish by getting all riled up is producing entertainment for others.
WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
Two words: Bubble wrap. Two more words: Can't stop.
All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.
I nicknamed my Grandma Nicki Minaj because she says the same things over and over again and she scares me.
If you don't use your partner as a hand and foot warmer, you're not in a real relationship
Sir, I don't care what car you drive. Your teeth look like they're throwing up gang signs.
Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge
You cannot be ugly and be rude and antisocial and mysterious and get away with it. That type of behavior is for hot people.
Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic
I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...
I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies
You can tell a lot about a person by the results of their autopsy.
Irish I was drunk already ツ
interesting how Tiger Woods gets a girlfriend, starts having sex again and starts winning again...
I didn't say you are perfect, b!itch, I said you are a perfect b!itch!
Hate yourself, leave the rest of us alone.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know. 