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A guy at a stoplight angrily pointed and yelled at me, so I smiled at him and mouthed "I love this song too!" 
If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.
A good way to kill someone with kindness is to strangle them with a sweater you spent weeks knitting for them.
A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.
In RELATIONSHIP status they should add "Flirtationship"- more than a friendship, less than a relationship
80% of people have a brain, the other 20% are in my friend list clicking on spam as we speak
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
"Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.
oh look at the time, it's time to not care
If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.
Things that don't mix - pregnancy and clubbing.
When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….
umm I don't consider that a one night stand... That was a audition..
Alright, who else here thinks Combos pretzel snacks look suspiciously like Snausages dog treats?!
Dear REALITY TV: You're doing it completely wrong. Sincerely, REALITY
I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.
I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A friend of mine told me he doesn't drink beer. I wonder what he does with it?
People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?" 