Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan 
Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.
Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!
If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."
if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry
Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me 