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I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow. 
I can always tell when it is Senior Citizen Discount Day at the grocery near my house. All the blue parking spaces are double parked.
the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled f**k and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex
This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather
Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.
babies have it so easy, they can poop or puke on anyone and people will still think theyre cute!
Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way"... yeah, I probably do.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, and so are my.......whatever you imagine, thats up to you!
I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.
Happy Star Wars day! (May the 4th be with you)
thinks that if you ever try and fail, you need to erase all evidence that you tried.
Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am
Don't be sad, if you think you're not important to someone....or something, Just Google yourself.
My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.
There's no room for demons when your self possessed.
Don't you miss the times when your parents were your favorite people in the world? When boys, drama, and nothing else mattered to you except how to avoid naptime? I know I do
It's hotter than the devils fart outside!
Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.
Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...
With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up. 