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With the 50 new profile choices for gender identity on Facebook, why can't I select "straight male"? 
Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan
I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.
can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian
Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.
Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Three words to ruin a woman's ego. "I can't tell."
OK. The US is sending troops to West Africa to fight Ebola and humanitarian aid to the Middle East to fight ISIS. How the hell did we ever win two World Wars?
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
So... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics? Mind blown!
A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had sex.
Chickens can actually fly but have a fear of heights hence the name "chicken"
After a certain point, the 'F' on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
At least give Mitch Hedberg credit, HYJ.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.
Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one? 