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Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. 
I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.
Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.
FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009
Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.
I guess I won't be allowed to host any more baby showers. Who knew the baby shaped piñata wouldnt be a hit!
All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I'm fine.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.
I need a girlfriend that hugs me if we fight.
Breaking news: a massive earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale was just reported in south florida Don't be alarmed- it was just all of the heat bandwagon fans jumping off at the same time
Self control for a teenage girl is seeing a mirror and not practicing your duck face.
I'm giving up procrastination for Lent starting tomorrow.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar.
Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.
Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it.
I'm not crazy; I've been just in a very bad mood for thirty years. :)
NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”
If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough. 