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Don't grow up. It's a trap! 
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
i only pay my cell phone bill when they disconnect my phone.....
BREAKING NEWS: CNN reports that Anderson Cooper is straight.
If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.
Hey I found your nose! It was in everyone elses business again!!!
with some of the ugly pics some people post of themselves, I'm just glad facebook isnt in HD
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.
There is no "i" in liar
I got 99 problems and sexual frustration plays a huge part in all of them
Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!
I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.
Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones
Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ
Just got my hearing test results back. Turns out I am deaf to a range in which women complain.
What's worse...being the paparazzi who has to take photos of Justin Bieber or being the paparazzi who gets his ass kicked by Justin Beiber?
It's like the movie groundhog day seeing all the same jokes over...and over....and over.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.
Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 