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Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday. 
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.
Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...
sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges
I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"
Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?
If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.
The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.
Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.
"Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion. 