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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people? 
Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.
Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...
You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu
A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.
And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.
When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.
The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.
* The older I get the earlier it gets late.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges
I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound" 