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Last night a horse came up to me and told me not to drive home................... Now that I think about it, there might have been a cop sitting on top of it. 
Cop : Did you know that you were doing 85 in a 65?!?! Me: Well, did you know that you were doing over 85 in a 65 just to catch up to me? So, who was really speeding?? Huh?! Huh!! :
Thinks they should change "I now pronounce you man and wife" to FINISH HIM!!!
If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!
Say what you want about the south but nobody retires and moves up north
How many people really LOL? Shouldn't it be LQTM (laughing quietly to myself) ?
Happy 20dozen!
May Your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump, May your potatoes n' gravy, Have nary a lump, May your yams be delicious, May your pies be the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off of your thighs.
Alcohol: Because no good story ever starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad..."
Well the WD40 worked, the squeek is gone.... But now the guinea pig just lays there lifeless
Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.
Microwave: (noun) A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.
Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
Why is it so important that we learn how to write a thesis statement? I can't imagine my future boss saying, "have that thesis on my desk by 5 o'clock or it's your ass!
I still haven't been able to deal with the fact that Jessica Simpson has had two children and didn't name either one "Homer"
Alright, stop. Collaborate and drop and listen and roll. Ice is back with a confusing new fire safety video.
People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening" Did Simon and Garfunkel predict the internet??
You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.
Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.
Wishing the amazing Olympic athletes from around the world the best of luck in Sochi (finding drinking water and toilets). 