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I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating... 
People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.
Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?
if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...
Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney
This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."
Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal
Dear Facebook... How can I be near the town I'm already in?!.....Near Stfu!
Teacher: "I am beautiful, which tense is this?" Me: "Obviously the past...”
Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right?
Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.
BLM does realize there are Black Cops too ... Right?
Just found a document that says all our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776…
When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.
Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.
I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting
AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".
if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...
Look..I'm not trying to be difficult...it actually comes easy to me. 