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I hate when people asks me: What happened to the sweet old you? Well B**chhhes like you killed it!! 
i must be part zombie because i've been looking for a woman with brains
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said...
The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."
"if people say something BAD about you, JUDGE you as if they know you,don't easily get affected by this .Remember this, DOGS bark if they don't know the person"
dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.
Dear advertisers. I'm playing a game I downloaded for free. What about me screams I want to buy your product?
I thought it was corn not rain that is supposed to be knee high by the 4th of July?
Does buying her a pair of shoes count as foreplay?
I saw a woman put a chunk of butter in her mouth. Then buttered her corn on the cob by rubbing it on her mouth. I think I might be in love.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows Sincerely & does exactly as he says is a PHOTOGRAPHER !!!
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
Hey ladies, a reminder that anyone with a single brain cell knows that being skinny has absolutely nothing to do with being pretty.
The worst stage of any relationship is when you're having sex but still not comfortable enough to fart.
she said she was not comfortable watching me masturbate. So I told her to take a different bus.
To save myself a lot of frustration, I have decided to assume that every new person I need is an idiot until they prove otherwise.
Hey protesters, they ran out of participation medals. GO HOME, there is nothing for you.
The Chinese built a wall and no Mexican can be found. See? See? IT WORKS!
It's called the "Grammy Awards" not the "Useful Idiot Awards" ... So shut up and Sing!
That whole day without immigrants was just as bad as Y2K 