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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. 
I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.
you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."
marriage is a natural defense mechanism designed to help us overcome our fear of death.
One of the most dangerous weapons in our time.....Social Networking. And we're all trigger happy.
Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now
Why do I have this feeling I should be collecting animals two by two?
My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"
I plan on using a treasure map as my will
focus on living, dying is the easy part
thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.
all of a sudden everyone is a football expert
The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX
hates getting texts or calls on my iphone it interrupts my game, don't call me!
How'd I sleep? Like a baby. Woke up every two hours and cried.
I don't speed.....I drive with purpose!
so cool, they're naming the next ice-age after him.
coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> 