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Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime! 
Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.
"I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman
I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.
I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.
Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Well....Today IS THE DAY....... Time to pull out of the freezer.... the 5 bags of orange and black peanut butter flavored rocks that I got last November at Walgreens for 80% off..... Those pesky kid's teeth will NEVER know what hit them .....Bwhahahaha
Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.
I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.
Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
I just bought a $5 frappuccino at Starbucks and got a free 2 week supply of napkins and sugar. I guess it balances out.
TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!
The weather lady on channel 6 says she expects to get a few inches tonight..!
When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.
"I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z
The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch
Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive. 