Funny Status Messages

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

   If you mix Taco Bell sauce into your ramen, It tastes exactly like poverty

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.

   Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

   I swear if my memory gets any worse, i'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

   If this shutdown takes place, I say we get our troops home. Deploy the politicians. They're the ones getting paid, so let THEM leave their families and put their lives at risk every day. They would all be killed within 24 hours and then we can start over!

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.