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To a man, the sweetest sound on Earth is the sexual moan of the woman he's pleasuring! 
I think we need someone to run next term who will campaign on getting rid of the electoral vote and let the people decide who is to be our president.
Deer Jesse James, Thank You. From, Tiger Woods
the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try dribbling a football
I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If you don't like my words, don't listen. If you don't like my appearance, don't look. If you don't like my actions, turn your head; It's as simple as that.
A. Drunk B. Sober C. High D. All of the above
happier than Richard Simmons running backwards through a cornfield!
My face is sore from making my angry face all day.
what does the Vikings football team and the Metradome have in common? They both collapsed under pressure this year
Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
When a girl says she wants to feel special, DON'T buy her a helmet
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.
I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!
Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.
I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome! 