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Search Messages:
I'm gonna Flirt with you. And Your gonna Love it and I'm gonna Love You. so Why Don't We Just Cut the Crap.. Go Back to my house right now and just have sex." 
has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.
I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."
I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?
Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.
Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
World Cup Finals... Its Heineken vs. Sangria. screw it, lets get drunk!
Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?
When you have a cat....you never poop alone.
I swear ugly people find love faster.
I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.
Stop undressing me with your eyes...use your teeth
NJ Gov Christie has cancelled Halloween… people are being asked to send any previously purchased Candy to the Office of the Governor.
apparently my new girlfriends natural hair color is bald...
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
Woke up again today. When will it stop?
Women! They assume everything but the position.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze. 