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If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane." 
My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ
No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
My father taught me a lot of things, however, the most important thing he taught me was how to be a great dad. A close second is how to have a conversation with someone for a half an hour even though you can't remember their name or anything else
I'm sorry, but please explain to me how the hell someone does REHAB from their OWN home?
you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story
People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.
You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn website in ur address bar smh
It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea
My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.
Where there's a will I want to be in it
I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.
Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.
So....the Patent Office ruled that the Washington Redskins name is offensive.... if I was the owner, I would keep the name the same and change the mascot to a potato!! The Washington Redskin Potatos
Does anyone really believe Bobby Brown even knew what a prerogative was?
Next up, The Jump off a Bridge Challenge...
If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.
'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house
When your girl accuses you of something just say "My mother was right about you." That will transfer attention from you to your mother.
Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma. 