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I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat. 
I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"
I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.
My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.
My recliner rocks!
Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.
It's official, I'm not gonna remember unless there's a Facebook event for it...
Why do we need algebra? ... Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate
Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.
They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's probably the best time to do it.
My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...
Don't run your mouth like its on Broadband, when your brains working on Dial up.
I don't have a drinking problem. I have a drinking passion.
Dating Rule #7: When on a first date a gentleman always lets his lady have the Burger King crown...Cuz it will make her feel special....
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.
Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.
Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)
We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain. 