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OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife. 
My soulmate is probably selling her body for narcotics as we speak.
Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.
Can't believe Larry King has has been caught cheating...he's 76 why are all these women trying to get in his diaper...
The fun thing about Facebook is......none you know if I'm naked or not.
Gotta love Facebook. I can update my status, post pictures and even chat with numerous people.....and nobody knows I'm not wearing any pants.
It's all shlts and giggles till someone giggles and shlts..
if I had a dollar for every time Capitalism was blamed for problems caused by Government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..
I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.
I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.
Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.
I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!” 