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my new summer accesory is a fly swatter, not to use on flies but to actually pimp slap people who feel that its not necessary to use deodorant 
has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!
doesn't think a remake of the Wizard of Oz would be good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, heart, or courage today she would be in congress.
What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"
On facebook* Hot person status: Just ate lunch. *86 likes 30 comments* .. Average persons status: *today is my birthday! *mom likes this
You know you're getting old, when you pull a non-existent abdominal muscle playing Wii golf…
Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.
It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.
Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.
Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.
Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?
This conversation is going nowhere. I thinks it's time I move to the land of Smile and Nod.
see ladies, it's easy to get ahead in life. Just marry a surgeon and screw a General...
Twice. The number of times you have to ask me if I'm sure I'm okay before I stop being okay.
Sunday = The day of the week to sit around and absolutely do nothing all day and no one judges you for it.
I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.
Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.
Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.
gets the feeling that I need coffee more than coffee will ever need me. 